The One place you shouldn't walk Diagonally

I went to a funeral today. It was nice. My grandma's uncle died at 95, quite peacefully and we all loved him, which is why we wore white instead of black. It was a "celebration of life."

It was weird though. I've never been old enough to fully comprehend a funeral. Some relatives passed away when I was six and they were buried at the same place, but this time around I actually thought about the whole process of putting a body in the ground to rest in peace. I remember going to the mausoleum and wondering why it said 1993-1993 on one of the inscriptions - turns out it was a baby in there. I remember walking past all of the headstones, and being told it was impolite to cross over them and you had to walk at the foot of the grave if there was no set sidewalk or anything.

Watching them lower the casket, I felt like an ounce of hope that maybe this was supposed to be the time that changed my mind about how things are going. Like an epiphany. Well, I had one, not that one though.

I have not been okay lately. Last night was my last get-together with my choir and it used to be that they were the most important bonds I held. We were supposed to go to the lake, but we got rained out so it all happened in our school's music room instead. I got there and it was different. I felt like my one separate entity there and there used to be days when I could at least relate to one person and that's not what it felt like at all. The games we played turned people against eachother and I wasn't comfortable with some of the activities - I felt like a retard.

I hate it when it depends on who says something for someone to react to it. I used to make jokes all the time and I was good at it, but this year, I can say the exact same thing as someone else who's cuter, only the cuter person will say it, get noticed and everyone will laugh. I AM GOD DAMN FRUSTRATED WITH NOT BEING NOTICED.

Then again, I don't want people to notice that I have darker skin than everyone else. That my eyes aren't blue, and my hair isn't blonde, or pink for that matter. I have never had such a problem with being myself until the year. What the hell. I'm not ashamed of being Asian, but I don't like how I look. I feel FAT compared to other people and don't fucking tell me that that's stupid and untrue because I know how you god damn look at me when I eat, and keep eating when everyone else isn't because it's class time.

FUCK YOU, WORLD. I USED TO BE SOMEONE. And now I feel like nothing. I hope you're happy with all the work you've done to make me think that I'm unnecessary. Mission fucking accomplished.

There's a lot that I need to say but my self-conscience is telling me that you're tired of these venting blogs so I'll just give you what you want. An end.

Because I read Stevie Smith's "Pretty"

Boys and girls, I got tired of orange. It's time for a new look, but not necessarily a new me.
Grad 2009 took place last weekend and it's my job to speak up for the underdog.
Not everyone spends $500+ on their dress/suit, makeup and hair. Sometimes they just want to look nice, not traditional.
Not everyone spends $5000+ on university right after high school. Sometimes they just want to be sure, not frivolous.
Not everyone can feel like a princess on their celebration of the last night of highschool. Sometimes, all they wanted was to prove that they're an every day kind of beautiful.

That was my hope on June 13th. I was beginning to realise just how different I was from everyone else. I"m not going to school next year, I don't believe that everyone has the option of doing what they love, and I didn't look like everyone else when I stepped into the dim sparkling lights of the hall.

The night before grad, I came home in the evening and found an album on facebook of a few classmates in their caps and gowns. How nice everyone looked.... Then, I found an album of my closer friends, the ones who I spend lunch hours with, who I have sleepovers with... all in their caps and gowns. The pictures were taken that day. No one ever invited me.

The next morning, those same friends pracitced to sing O Canada at the ceremony. I can't tell you how annoyed I was that we had 2 songs to sound check and yet, we kept at that one. It's a lovely thing to be asked "aren't you doing this too?" and have them realise just after that "no, I'm not."

I wore a blue dress that night. It was knee-length and it cost me $15, originally $100. It was in perfect condition. The only problem, should one really have cared, was that it wasn't really a "prom" dress. Luckily, I didn't. So I was there amongst all these princesses, in a pair shoes that I borrowed from my mom, hair and makeup done at home by myself and my cheap little tiara. It felt awful. Everything did. I have never been so ashamed of being myself. And normally, I'm the kind of person who blossoms on their own. I felt so .. subsequent to everyone else there, regardless of all my accomplishments and every award I had received that morning walking across the stage. My boyfriend was really sweet about telling me how nice I looked. He's good about that sort of thing, but this time I knew it wasn't true at all. I just smiled for the pictures. It's okay, that night's done. I don't have to compete with highschool girls anymore. I'll go back to school when I'm older and I have more money in my bank account. For now, I wear a ring on my right hand, nothing but Chapstick on my lips.

It's Angsty, be warned.

Know what I just realised?

I could be independent, and if I were, I'd be a lot less sad. I'd take care of myself first and not constantly try to do nice things for other people because every time I try to do a nice thing for someone, it blows up in my face and I end up feeling like crap. I'd also have to fake smile a lot less.

But if I were independent, I'd be a lot less happy. I'd detach myself from a lot of the people who make me laugh and make me okay, not to mention be thought of as the Local Bitch. I don't want to be that person but you know, sometimes you don't have the energy to be "okay."

Sorry about this one, but lately there haven't been a lot of people around to express my frustration to, and this spot is usually where I'm most honest.

PS - I had a Tom Hanks in "You've got Mail" moment today. I zinged someone when I should've just smiled and walked away. Oops.

I Forgot how much fun Frisbee is

Nerds can have a good time too, you know. They (we) are perfectly capable of having a party during what should be class, breaking out the junk food, turning up the Pat Benatar, and running through a set of sprinklers on the track like it was your driving test not for marks. Perfectly capable, just like today.

It's weird to think that I've been in the same class as those kids for five years. Of course some of them didn't show up but for those that did, we managed to let our hair down for a grand total of 1 hour and 10 minutes in the midst of P.E. classes and video projects and we ran, and danced, and played in the sunshine. The 13 of us shared 3 frisbees, 3 bags of popcorn, some lemon cranberry muffins and a giant box of crayons. (There was more food than anything, but none of us thought to bring water so the sprinklers came in perfect time).

Why is this so strange to me? Why is it so unfamiliar to have a good time and just hang out and swing my arms and legs around to a song without thinking?

Yesterday, I went to go visit a friend of mine in the hospital. He's a nerd too, so we thought it'd be great to bring him a set of bongos and a guitar and have this positive energy jam sesh... and he kept telling us to "forget all the shit" and just not think about how the jam turned out. So we got a rhythm going, and I kept trying to jump in with a hum, nothing but a hum, and I found so hard. Which is stupid! And it took me long enough to just let sound out of me and make up words and I realised, I don't have enough improvised, spontaneous FUN in my life.

I still remember when I was 11 and my uncle asked me if I'd like to snow tubing and my instinct screamed no because it wasn't something we'd planned. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It was so much fun.

With everything that's going on, and there's ALWAYS something going on that makes you feel more grown up that you are/should be, we all need to do this. Promise me that you will go and step out into the sunlight and shake your hair around in the wind because it does the soul at least a little bit of good. :-)