It was weird though. I've never been old enough to fully comprehend a funeral. Some relatives passed away when I was six and they were buried at the same place, but this time around I actually thought about the whole process of putting a body in the ground to rest in peace. I remember going to the mausoleum and wondering why it said 1993-1993 on one of the inscriptions - turns out it was a baby in there. I remember walking past all of the headstones, and being told it was impolite to cross over them and you had to walk at the foot of the grave if there was no set sidewalk or anything.
Watching them lower the casket, I felt like an ounce of hope that maybe this was supposed to be the time that changed my mind about how things are going. Like an epiphany. Well, I had one, not that one though.
I have not been okay lately. Last night was my last get-together with my choir and it used to be that they were the most important bonds I held. We were supposed to go to the lake, but we got rained out so it all happened in our school's music room instead. I got there and it was different. I felt like my one separate entity there and there used to be days when I could at least relate to one person and that's not what it felt like at all. The games we played turned people against eachother and I wasn't comfortable with some of the activities - I felt like a retard.
I hate it when it depends on who says something for someone to react to it. I used to make jokes all the time and I was good at it, but this year, I can say the exact same thing as someone else who's cuter, only the cuter person will say it, get noticed and everyone will laugh. I AM GOD DAMN FRUSTRATED WITH NOT BEING NOTICED.
Then again, I don't want people to notice that I have darker skin than everyone else. That my eyes aren't blue, and my hair isn't blonde, or pink for that matter. I have never had such a problem with being myself until the year. What the hell. I'm not ashamed of being Asian, but I don't like how I look. I feel FAT compared to other people and don't fucking tell me that that's stupid and untrue because I know how you god damn look at me when I eat, and keep eating when everyone else isn't because it's class time.
FUCK YOU, WORLD. I USED TO BE SOMEONE. And now I feel like nothing. I hope you're happy with all the work you've done to make me think that I'm unnecessary. Mission fucking accomplished.
There's a lot that I need to say but my self-conscience is telling me that you're tired of these venting blogs so I'll just give you what you want. An end.
No, I refuse to accept the end of this. These were brilliant and I was always excited about reading it.
ReplyDeleteI feel awful for what I've done. I, myself, am sorry for my stupidity.
I hope you'll return to this.
Kait,
ReplyDeleteActually... These last few posts are the only thing I've been able to relate to in weeks.
I know you probably don't care about it, and you're sick of hearing it, but you are an inspiration. Not in a cheezy 'I want to be just like you' way. It's more like a 'we're in this together' kind of deal.
I know you feel alone, and It seems like all the bonds and relationships you've been tending to for your whole life don't matter anymore. I know because It's exactly how I feel, and exactly how a large chunk of our grad class (and every grad class before us) feels.
I think it's just how It works, how life works. You try to scamble to get a hold of as many threads as you can and before you know it they're all slipping through your fingers.
Life will move on, as bad as it feels now that everyone's going their own ways, We'll all get past it, and our new friends will help us get through it. They're just waiting for us to meet them, and with as much Charisma and Charm as a wonderful girl like you has, you should have to problem meeting new people.
Just keep your chin up, everything will work out.
Kaitlyn, please don't stop writing what you feel just because you think that's what people want. This is YOUR place. If anyone gets tired of what you write here, they can stop reading. I'm here because I care about what you have to say.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, you are honestly one of the cutest people I have ever met. But even if you weren't as cute as you are, you'd still be one amazing Someone.